The S Word

“You’re just a slut.”

That’s the response I get when I describe my style of polyamory to people. I am not married and I don’t have any live-in partners. One of the reasons I have relationships is to have sex. I have both casual sex and sex in the context of committed relationships. In monogamous eyes, that makes me a slut.

The monogamous view of relationships is that people who love each must move up the relationship escalator, slowly (or quickly, depending on hormones) progressing from casual dating, to living together, to married and parenting. But consider that while people get married for many reasons, the reason they get divorced is often infidelity. Why do people cheat? Because they lack companionship, emotional support, or–most likely–sex. Adults have needs, and they form relationships to satisfy them. Polyamory is a way to get needs met without asking one partner to fulfill all of them.

I do solo polyamory, which means I seek relationships with people without connection to any other relationship. I look for a partner who can meet one or more of my needs for companionship, fun activities, emotional support, and sex. Once we decide we’re compatible, we make agreements and see each other when we can. As the parent of a special needs child, that “when we can” varies from weeks to months. My partners are young and old, married and unmarried, straight and queer. They all consent to the relationship and know as much about each other as they want.

A long time ago I dated a man who was cheating on his wife. Our rendezvous were exciting–we met in parking lots and out of town restaurants. I enjoyed spending time with him, but every time we went home, I knew he was lying to his family. What would his wife think when she found out, if not about me, about some other woman who was younger, more interesting, more beautiful, or sexier? Some couples survive infidelity, but on the way to a lifetime of mistrust is heartache, drama, and loss of friends. Being the cause of that pain was not for me. I no longer date people who are not open and consenting. I find plenty of partners who are willing to have difficult conversations about their needs and wants, and are happy even when they can’t meet some needs for a partner. My poly is about loving people, and what better expression of love is there than sex?

That’s why I’m a slut.

Do you have an experience to share about the polyamorous lovestyle? Tell us!