Ask Aunty: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Ask Aunty is a regular feature of Black & Poly where real people ask about their polyamorous relationships.

Dear Aunty,

I’m trying to convince my husband to be poly. He doesn’t mind if I step out on him, but he doesn’t want to have an open relationship where he knows my partners. He’s afraid of all the attention I’ll be getting. He agreed that I can date as long as he doesn’t know, but I feel like I’m lying to people. What do I do?

Date Anyway or Date Truthfully?

Dear DADT,

Your husband wants DADT–don’t ask, don’t tell. DADT works for some people when they understand why they don’t want to know. Your husband is insecure, no doubt, and he wants to pretend he’s satisfying you in every way. That’s not true and you know it. You have sexual and emotional needs, and you already know one person can’t meet all of them.

By asking for DADT, he’s consenting to a poly relationship. Consent is the key. Take the deal and keep talking. He really doesn’t want to know what private parts were where when, but tell him how happy you are. And always remind him that he’s still your boo thang.

He still may get jealous and demand you end all the side relationships. Too late, honey. You will hurt your partners, yourself, and even your relationship with hubby. Aunty has been on the bad side of the veto and you can bet those numbers are blocked.

Keep being honest and open and you’ll show him how poly can make everyone happy.

Aunty